At first you begin thinking about all the great possibilities that exist when you get the best effort of others to achieve a common goal. It makes you think of grandiose scenarios, where your dreams are within your reach, and simply a matter of continuing on that diligent path. It's a beautiful thing when several people can visualize the same outcome and work together to achieve it.
But more often than not, it changes. What was once a shared goal becomes several different versions of the same thing, each with it's subtle nuance, each tinted by the perspective of the person who is unknowingly (at least in most cases) molding the original vision into their personal aspiration. And that's where it all goes sour. Communication breaks down, tempers flare, expectations are left unmet, and what once was full of possibility and hope, dies a painful memory. Kinda stating the obvious here.
But there's an aspect of ourselves that is often lost or diminished in the process of collaboration. It's self-reliance. Recently i've experienced this on a couple of my endeavors, both as a music producer, and as the founder of MTB. In both situations, there was a clear vision when I started, and a collaborative effort that in principle was solid, but as time went on, the concepts that led to the collaboration in the first place diverged until both endeavors became a mix of personal agendas, unmet expectations, and rancor. Oh it's been quite the shitstorm over the last week, I won't lie. After a long series of arguments and debates, I am the last standing member of MTB, and my music production business has been downsized to it's original staff (i.e. Me).
You would think that this would be upsetting, but oddly enough, it's been quite the opposite... Yes, there's been some sad/angry moments in both cases, where i wish things would've worked out better, felt disappointed in people, etc... But then hope crept in, followed by an amazing feeling of calm. For all that had gone wrong, standing by myself looking over the rubble of what had essentially been my life for the last year, I felt inspired, like I was more hopeful of these failed attempts being possible if I just relied on myself to do what I set out to do.
So today I tried my hand at writing some music again. I reminded myself there was no one else to work on it with me, that I was on my own, and that it was entirely up to me to make the best music I could. And I wrote. Better music than i've written in years, and more of it than I did in the entire 6 months I was trying to collaborate with another producer. Not just a bunch of 20 second riffs, but actual songs, with lush arrangements, and sounding pretty good without even having mixed them yet. It's like not having that 2nd person around unlocked a flood of creativity that had been repressed for the sake of collaboration.
To cap off the night, I read an article about Rick Rubin (the iconic music producer who I think embodies everything a producer should be), and it was the perfect close to an incredibly rewarding day. Now don't get me wrong, I am well aware I have a long way to go before reaching that kind of status, but reading about how he sees music, how he distinguishes between what's good and what's not so good, and how he marries professionalism with creativity, it restored my confidence in my approach to the work side of things, and in my ear for things, something that I had admittedly doubted through the course of collaborating with the other producer.
Obviously MTB will take a lot more to rebuild than a good day of writing music, and a pleasant article, but I take solace in this feeling that it will be ok as long as I stay true to my vision. Even if it's a few years to build this project back up, I've realized it's up to me to fulfill the promise of what MTB could be, and instead of bemoaning having to take a few steps back, i'm happy taking on the challenge of doing this by myself for the time being. In time, there will be new bandmates, new songs, and new opportunities, but for now i'm glad to just bring this back to it's essence, and rely on myself to build it back up better than it ever was before.
"Temet nosce, tibi fide"
(Know yourself, trust in yourself)
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